Issues to discuss before tying the knot
Many marriage education experts and therapists caution that when couples believe in the myths of “happily-ever-after” or “love conquers all,” problems in the marital relationship may surface within a short time after the wedding. The success or failure of your marital relationship may hinge on how well you deal with issues such as finances, sexuality, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, leisure time, spirituality, expectations, and chores. Even though you may be very busy with wedding preparations, it is critical that you make time to prepare for your life time together by exploring your relationship in more depth. And to make things easier, we sketched out the top five issues that need to be conversed about to ensure a smoother journey for the couple in question.
1. Having and raising children:”Once a couple has their first kid, they’ll have a better idea of how many children they really want,” says Jaclyn Bronstein, a licensed mental health counselor. Right now, the number isn’t as important, Jaclyn explains, “as long as you agree on a timetable—how many years you want to wait before having children.” However what is important is the need to discuss whether you want children and the situational questions surrounding it. “Are you open to adoption if it’s necessary?” asks Rebecca Hendrix, a licensed marriage and family therapist. And once you have kids, “How should they be disciplined when they disobey?” asks Vivian Jacobs, also a licensed marriage and family therapist. As small as they may seem, issues like these can become serious disagreements later on, so it’s crucial to discuss them now.
2. Dealing with arguments: Arguments are inevitable, but our experts agreed—it’s how couples handle them that decide whether they’ll get through them. “Make sure you understand each other’s way of managing conflict,” Hendrix says. She suggests thinking back to a recent fight: What happened? “Did one person refuse to talk, while the other couldn’t sleep without resolving the issue?” she asks. Whatever your argument style is, hash out what counts as acceptable fight behavior and what’s off-limits. “Tweak how you handle arguments to accommodate each other. If one of you doesn’t like to talk about it at 2 a.m., learn to pull back a little,” Hendrix advises. “People are going to disagree about how to run the house, chores, who cleans the bathroom,” Hendrix says. “But those are the kinds of things that people can, if they work on their communication style, work through.”
3. Religion and Morals: Religion and morals play a bigger role in marriage than some couples expect. “For a lot of people, fights happen when the other person turns out to be more religious than they thought,” Bronstein says. “You might go into marriage not caring, but the problems start as the children arrive and you’re deciding how to raise them,” Jacobs adds. Talk about your faith, and how you see it affecting your shared life, right now.Nevertheless, it is significant to remember that family matters are common hiccups in any marriage and they’re survivable. For example, “You can agree that it’s okay if he goes to see his parents and you don’t come every time,” Jacobs says. The crucial part is that neither of you feels like the in-laws get priority over you, she says.
4. Finances and Careers: One of the biggest things married couples fight about, and one of the most common sources of stress and tension, is finances. Talk now to skirt arguments later, Bronstein says. Decide whether you’ll pool all your money or keep separate accounts, and determine which accounts you’ll draw from for everyday expenses and for big investments. If one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, choose amounts to set aside for the future and for personal spending that you’ll both be satisfied with. “No one has the right answer to what your money strategy should be,” Jacobs says. “You just have to live within your budget, figure out what works for you, be reasonable and communicate.” On the same note, talk about your career plans. Where do you want to be in five years? How do you see your career—and your salary—evolving over your lifetime? Getting both your expectations in line with reality will minimize money-related arguments and miscommunication later in your marriage, Jacobs says.
By Persa Sanjana Hussain
